just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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