Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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