or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
