It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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