Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
