I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
