You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
