it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
