Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I have already put on my inside pants.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
