They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
