Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
