Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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