I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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