I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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