In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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