he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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