Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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