when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Damn victory sex feels great
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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