Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
