I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
