I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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