Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
