I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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