I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
