i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
