That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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