Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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