I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
