i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
