people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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