Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
