"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
