I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
