So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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