I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
