the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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