The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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