I'm sorry my penis didn't work
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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