A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
