i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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