My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
