What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
