I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
