Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
