People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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