if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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