i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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