I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
