I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
