you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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