You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
